ROLE · 001Senior
Junior Flirtation Analyst
Triage incoming flirtations against a 12-axis classification framework. Tag, route, and (where appropriate) defang. Must be able to identify tactical compliments at distance.
Work with us,
at your own risk.
Lornspark Industries™ does not, in any formal sense, hire. We collect. We retain. We retain longer than expected. Below are positions we are, with some reluctance, willing to make publicly available. Every successful candidate will be required to survive an informal interview that does not formally exist.
01 — Compensation & Benefits
What you will receive in exchange for everything you have.
∞
Unlimited Tea
Bottomless brewing privileges. Includes access to the favoured mug under supervision.
14
Days Off Per Year
Bookable in advance. Approval not guaranteed. Strategic guilt applied at discretion.
±0%
Equity Pool
All shares held by the founder. You will not receive any. You will, however, be told about them often.
24/7
On-Call
Including evenings, weekends, and the exact moment you sit down to dinner.
3*
Global Offices
*Cafés. You will be expected to bring your own laptop, your own opinions, and your own seating.
1
Director-Grade Dog
Petting privileges granted on a case-by-case basis. The dog reserves all rights.
02 — Open Positions
Available roles.
Submissions are reviewed in the order they cause us amusement.
ROLE · 002Mid-Level
Senior Tea Operations Coordinator
Maintain continuous tea readiness across all hot beverage formats. Will report directly to The Kettle. Must demonstrate proficiency in the “ready in case” methodology.
ROLE · 003Entry-Level
Emotional Support Intern
Provide low-grade reassurance and high-grade availability during peak hours. Will be tested via unannounced sigh deployments and one (1) major emotional ambush per fortnight.
ROLE · 004Critical
Director of Terrible Ideas
Originate, articulate, and championate ideas which, on inspection, should not be implemented. The successful candidate will pivot fluently between sincere belief and immediate retraction.
ROLE · 005Specialist
Tactical Compliment Engineer
Author, calibrate, and deploy off-hand observations that linger for between 14 hours and 9 weeks. Background in close-quarter linguistics preferred.
ROLE · 006Recent Grad
Apprentice Sarcasm Operative
Two-year rotational programme covering all major sarcasm domains. The successful applicant will graduate with the ability to mean three things at once.
ROLE · 007Restricted
External Liaison — ●●●●●●●●●●●
Cannot be described in detail. Applicants will be contacted should they happen to be sitting somewhere they ought not to be. No CV is required.
ROLE · 008Trial
Subject Self · Head of Questionable Decisions
Currently held. Position is not vacant, but you may apply to be considered as eventual replacement, pending one (1) major disappointment.
03 — Requirements
Minimum
Minimum
baseline.
- REQ-01Must survive sarcasm under pressure.
- REQ-02Comfortable making eye contact for prolonged periods, including silences.
- REQ-03Tolerance for soft chaos.
- REQ-04Ability to laugh at oneself within 1.4 seconds of being targeted.
- REQ-05Tea preferences shall be defensible, not necessarily correct.
- REQ-06Strong written communication. Adverbs are taxed.
- REQ-07No fear of being called by your full name in front of strangers.
- REQ-08Comfortable being the second-most interesting person in the room. Always.
- REQ-09Comfortable being the first-most interesting person in the room provided nobody mentions it.
- REQ-10Must not bring up the Scottish Expansion Programme.
04 — Apply
Submit yourself.
All applications are read. None are acknowledged. Selected candidates are contacted in person, often in a café, often unannounced. A successful submission has, historically, looked like a single sentence.
Lornspark Industries™ is an equal-opportunity employer in the sense that nobody, regardless of background, is likely to get the job.