Lornspark Industries™ does not publish a public research roadmap. It does not host an annual symposium. It does not respond to peer review. What follows is a partial, lightly censored summary of activities currently underway in the Skunkworks division, approved for public consumption by the Office of Plausible Deniability.
Progress percentages are aspirational, sometimes retrograde, and have been adjusted to round numbers for ease of reading.
A closed-loop affection delivery framework optimised for plausible deniability. Deployment vectors include the shoulder, the forearm, and (in extreme cases) the forehead. Currently entering field trials with a small, unsuspecting subject pool.
A specialised neural network trained on 40,000 hours of micro-expression data, capable of predicting eye-roll events 1.4 seconds before they occur. Has been weaponised by the Office of Anticipated Sarcasm. Currently in clinical trials with the founder, who keeps rolling her eyes more, on purpose, to skew the model.
A protocol for embedding three layers of meaning in a single “k.” Co-signed by the Office of Sarcasm and quietly endorsed by the Department of Linguistic Warfare. Open-source release pending a change of heart that will not occur.
An end-to-end framework for identifying, claiming, and quietly re-routing the optimal mug in any kitchen. Operates on a 96-point grading system. Has been described by internal reviewers as “over-engineered, and yet somehow worth it.”
A low-frequency, high-impact protocol for embedding a single compliment into an otherwise neutral conversation, retrievable up to six months later. The Black Ops Compliments Team have begun deploying SCI-04 in routine engagements.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●● with applications in ●●●●●●●, ●●●●●●, and ●●●●. The project is not officially in development. The team is not officially employed. The budget is officially confused. — do not mention
A slow-rolling programme to introduce sufficient ivy, fern, and aerial plant matter into Lornspark Industries™ workspaces such that the workspaces become indistinguishable from a temperate forest. Currently 14% canopy coverage. Pigeons have already nested in two cubicles.
A reliable, plausibly-encrypted, sometimes-late messaging protocol operated entirely by trained pigeons of the Lornspark Aviary. Median delivery time: 47 minutes. Variance: catastrophic. Currently in field trials between HQ-01 and Mortimer’s windowsill.
A novel system for annotating Lornspark Industries™ documents using actual climbing vines trained to grow alongside key passages. Read-rate has improved by 22% since deployment. Adversarial vines have, on three occasions, edited the founder’s emails (improvements only).
Patent counts are accurate as of the most recent occurrence of the founder remembering they exist.
A system comprising one (1) neural network and one (1) deeply sceptical observer. The system predicts, classifies, and visualises eye-roll events with 71% confidence and 100% emotional accuracy.
A protocol for affection delivery characterised by graceful entry, brief residence, and dignified exit. Deployment modalities include the shoulder, the forearm, and (in extreme cases) the forehead.
A discrete protocol for embedding up to three layers of meaning in a single-character text response. Variants include “k.”, “k”, “K”, and the rarely-deployed “k 👍”.
A standardised kettle-and-mug protocol for the production of tea during emotionally complex situations. Includes a hold mode, a defensive deployment mode, and an aggressive offering mode.
A device and method for delivering a single, unscheduled, devastating compliment, followed by an immediate change of subject. Variants exist for in-person, text, and over-the-shoulder applications.
A non-confrontational protocol by which mugs, blankets, books, and chargers are quietly re-routed to optimal users without acknowledgement or appeal.
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“We are not building anything in particular. We are building, in general, the conditions under which it becomes embarrassingly difficult to look away.”
— Skunkworks Division · Internal Memo, 03:47